So messed up. :(

Do you know how I perceive myself?This is why I’m writing this. First off, I’m impatient- I don’t get to wait a little longer, I can’t sit waiting for something or somebody. In school works, I hate errors: If I think I failed, I don’t want to try anymore. Second, I am lazy that’s actually parallel to being impatient. Haha Truth is, I hate compliments though sometimes I do love it, and it sucks that it makes me overly confident until it gets to the point I’m contented to what I just achieved. Like quizzes, I get the highest score sometimes and people say “Wow, good Job”. Praises are self-esteem boosters and it messes me up if I sink it in in my lazy self. Worst thing is, the next couple of exams, I don’t study anymore, ending up a failing score and everything crazy and there goes depression, self-pitying in me. I am a person with shy personality type, withdrawn, sucks at socializing with people, gets aggressive if pissed off.(lol) Of course I know why I’m like that, to tell you, when I’m still in grade school, I poofed in school, punched by a boy classmate, bullied, almost marched alone in my grade 6 graduation and you know who I have with during these embarrassing, humiliating moments? : MY LONE, AWESOME SELF. It seriously feels like an excruciating pain inside me. I do understand why people around me says I have attitude problem, I am moody, and that I have a totally messed up self. I understand because they had no idea what I have gone through, I hope you know about Developmental Stages of a person’s life right? Well, that sort of explains everything wrong with me. Just recently, I figured out how ALONE I really am. I don’t have a friend that says, “oh hey, what are you doing right now? let’s go somewhere, our friends’ are all going too” and like I’m gonna reserve you a seat with us” and stuffs like that. Yeah, I know you feel sorry reading this stuff but yeah thanks. Haha. Well, I do not literally mean I have no friends, of course I have! But not a single soul who became real close to me like sharing stupid secrets without telling everybody else and not back stabbing you at the end of the day. You know, frankly, I suck at choosing friends. First 6 months of freshmen college year, I was totally called The LONER. Eats alone, goes to school alone, sitting in one corner silently while everybody else is enjoying talking. Later of that year, I had my friends, there were 6 of them. I have yet the people whom I can call “my person”. We eat at the school’s canteen, stroll at the mall after class, studying and doing assignments together except partying though( never done that). We’ve all been real close friends, though 2 of them became irregular students and the other one in our sophomore year got pregnant so she stopped going to school. So there with me is Jey Christine & Gretchen and the new friend Jean Rose. Sadly, in the first semester of our Junior Year, around September 2010, because we were arranged alphabetically, belonged to Block 1 and the rest of us were on the last block( Gretchen enrolled late that’s why she was with us). And here’s the thing, we were I think kind of jealous of Jey’s new acquired friends, we never gone parting, drinking alcohol together and she learned to that with her friends. She didn’t get to communicate with us and all. One day, we were exchanging comments on Facebook and up to the point she perceived that the three of us hates her and so she decided not be friends with us anymore. She hated me the most actually, it really struck my Ego. She was my closest, Best FRIEND in college and now we hate each other. We never talked personally about it for almost a year now. It even sucks because we’re in one block now. Second Semester of the Junior Year, I acquired the so called BFF’s( Serdan, Sarino, Romero, Romanos, Saballa, Salas). I was happy that at least I still have friends but the friendship doesn’t change, inspire, and motivate me as a person. I think it was just for the purpose of COMPANIONSHIP. Senior Year, I’m happy to have my friends now, Jenessa, Melvin Mikee, Kristine Mae. These people have very good personality, they’re excellent in school. They are the ones who tell me that I am good, that I am intelligent that I can do excellent things too. They are my people now, and I can truly attest that this time, I didn’t sucked at choosing my friends and that I did an excellent thing. Sad to tell you this though, we don’t belong to one block anymore Jen & Kristine are Block 2 and Akee is in block 3 and I am in block one. And do you know how God truly understands me? He made me part of Jen and Servila’s group during the RLE week and I only get to be alone during Lecture. Thank You God. (:] I still feel like I am a big disappointment of my family. Everybody sees that I’m gonna be that person teaching at students and patiently saying things repeatedly for years, and be that care-free school principal. Yeah, everyone in the neighbourhood already predicted that before I even know it. And because I am in a different field now, they think I cannot do excellent things. Do you know how it feels when you share your “duty sucks, I-cannot-do-it-anymore” moments with your significant other especially with your mom and gets the feedback: “Since that is what you wanted in the first place, you have to do it, I already told you”. Ahm, duuh? not even word of motivation or inspiration you can get. For sure if she gets a chance to read this, she’s going to tell me that she has done enough, that she is a good mother, trying to give all what we need (definitely not you wanted) and that I have no right to go whining about my life and she’s gonna get my butt out of our house because I have no sense of “debt of gratitude” thingy, which makes me think I am of no importance, no better than other people, useless, lazy, impatient, emotionally unstable, with personality disorder. My mom doesn’t decide things for us, this has been my observation since the time I can perceive myself a living, rational creature. She doesn’t want to be blamed out from her decisions, if you want to do something, you have to take yourself into your own accountability not hers. I cry almost every day when I think about this. In school, people see me as the talkative, foolish version of Regine but unknowingly of them, it’s the opposite. Happy people are those who suffer a lot of problems. Now, see how messed up I am? THESE ARE JUST THE FEW OF THE MILLION REASONS why I am like what those judgemental people say about me. Call me a bad person already, but this is just how I handle myself, thinking that every decisions I make only lies to me not with anybody else.  You have to learn to accept how people judge you, but don’t let it sink in your nerves, especially when you know it’s not true.



3 responses to “So messed up. :(

  1. i can say that i can REALLY relate to your post. di madaling humanap ng kaibigan na maaari mong pagkatiwalaan at hindi ka ipagkakanulo sa ibang tao. TRUST is always an issue when it comes to friends. di madaling magtiwala ulit lalo na kung ito’y nasira na just like what happened to me. i love reading your post and it made me reminiscence my school days..thank you..(,”)’re a nursing student?

      • very much welcome..(,”)..i’ve just discovered your blog thru twitter and thru your post to miss bianca gonzalez…i admire you coz you were able to find time to write and blog while being a nursing student…i know how it was because i was once a student nurse…i admire you coz you were able to express your thoughts and was able to start this amazing blog of yours…(it inspired me to start mine also,THANK YOU)…and i admire you coz i was able to see myself thru your writings because just like you, i also love writing…but i was not able to prioritize it due to certain circumstances…but due to some people who inspired me just like YOU, i am re-opening my blog and hopefully start a new one…THANK YOU SO MUCH..!(,”)

        P.S. you’re indeed a genius for starting this blog and continue to inspire people…GOD BLESS future RN..!

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